Wednesday, June 18, 2014

My Paradigm Shifted

A wise friend told me, my soul clears the cobwebs while my fears, perhaps my ego, can't stand the spiders: I am soooo ANGRY. 

     I just realized this about myself over the past few days. I hold onto bullshit that has happened to me feeling justified in my anger.  So how does this help?  Well dear reader of my blog, it doesn't help at all.  Not at ALL, and maybe all of this justified, well maintained anger just might be the emotional reason behind being so sick with rheumatoid arthritis?
     MAYYYY BE!?!?!?!? Please don't get the wrong idea.  I am not really the type of person who you would categorize as a rage-a-holic or someone who needs anger management classes.  Nope, I actually appear pretty chill. Patient, casual, kind ..... My anger is very subtle on the outside but rather entrenched on the inside.
     These thoughts I am figuring out and trying to write about are expanding my self-awareness.   Dude this is intense to think about and try to articulate! :)  So, how about an example?   I need examples for myself too --a simile or two, how about an allegory, analogy?  Metaphor anyone? Where is the part of my brain that remembers all of the English classes I passed?
     Let's start with my cobwebs, My soul is rockin ... so wise, knows what's up (so is yours) and I've got these cobwebs, life lessons, past hurts and heartache; clutter, and spiders intertwined in my soul, my life, my consciousness.  My soul aims for purity and calm while just taking out a broom to address the problems.
Clean up and move on from the mess.  But my ego says, "wait just one minute, how dare these cobwebs be here, Fuck this mess and dirt and Fuck these spiders!!!!"  And the anger comes rolling in fast like a treacherous storm (that was definitely a simile right?) and boom my whole being feels the anger and relishes in it so thinks my ego.   This is no bueno people!!!!  To be justified in putting your body through this much emotional rage --it's all very internal too.   A fiery rage on the reg. My rage is like those underground volcanoes that spew lava into the ocean creating underwater mountains that you can't see unless you dive deep.  Inside me, these mountains have turned into illness.  NO NO NO NO!!!   I gotta stop this.
Smoldering Underwater Lava
     And I have to give myself a break too.  Give everyone around me a break.  OK, easy as I give an example of what I am trying to explain.  My mother in law is a talented artist and has given me a lot of beautiful artwork over the years.  I love everything she has given me and I am thankful for all of it.  The thing is my sister is an artist too who has given me a lot of artwork as well.  Then I just have some prints, photos, and other home decor hanging up on the walls.   Bottom line, My MIL's stuff isn't all in the main rooms because we have so many lovely wall hangings.  I have her work hanging here and there throughout the house along with all of the other beautiful artwork.  (I know this is a first world problem, but I want to give a rather frivolous example that evokes rage to show you how easily my anger justifies itself.)  Anyway, when the MIL visits she often makes sideways comments about how she doesn't paint portraits to be hung up in spare bedrooms and criticizes my sister's work.  I want to punch her in the face.   I feel the anger as I am typing.

My rationalized anger comes from: your behavior is wrong and I am right but I am not confident enough to simply move on. .  Fear ultimately

Alright, enough, let go, I don't need you anymore anger. I am confident enough now to not have to use you to feel justified and correct.

     Breathing and letting go .... ;)  My anger is such a crutch.  I defended my sister's artwork and said, "well you two definitely have different styles."   (MIL traditional, sister modern.)  "We have a lot of wall hangings."  And the subject is dropped.  But it doesn't get dropped inside of me.  I will look at my walls and the conversations will replay in my head and up comes the anger, my justified anger crutch.  Sigh ....   The past maybe 4 or 5 days when the anger comes up over whatever spider is crawling around bothering my ego.  I recognize it right away and no longer revel in it.  Also, I literally think calmly, " I don't need you anymore, please move on."  And I thank the divine for the ability to recognize the bad pattern and ask for help to forge healthier ones.
     I have like a million examples -- both tragic refer to past angry blog posts and inconsequential like the example I just gave.  I have wayyyy too much anger bouncing around inside of me.  People will always say and do stupid shit and I am not going to hold onto to the crap anymore and revel in my anger towards their imperfections.  We ALL have imperfections, we ALL say and do stupid shit.  I've been a quiet grudgemonger since puberty perhaps?  I am so excited that I have realized this and I am working on changing!!!!  Yay!
     This Killer's song randomly came on my playlist during my epiphany.  I had never even heard it before, but it's spot on , and the qi sensations, the chills the happy tears were all there.  My spiritual dream team giving me a shout and agreeing with my realizations.

A little birdie whispered in my ear you've been cooking up a world of fear.



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