10 Years of Chronic Disease --Reflections

Gratitude in the Midst of Rheumatoid Arthritis

     When life gives you a big fat painful lemon the size of what seems like the entire universe all you have really when you are navigating life with this lemon on your back, in your face, and up your BLEEP is your attitude. Attitude, noun a settled way of thinking or feeling about someone or something, typically one that is reflected in a person's behavior.

     And I don't mean a bad attitude that seems to be glorified in this country --I mean I try to be positive hoping for remission, and look for the beauty in all things --gratitude always.  An attitude full of gratitude!

     As I sit here and reflect, It doesn't feel right to write about all of the medications I've been on in detail and how they punked out on me or the bad experiences I've had with doctors, insurance companies, deductibles, expensive drugs, debt, liver enzyme scares, osteoporosis fears, inconsiderate strangers, friends, and family, my anxiety and depression bouts, losing a promising business, having to go on disability, feeling like I've let the whole world down, weight gain, the list goes on.  My Big Fat Painful Lemon.  WAH!!!!!!!

     I could go over all that in detail, but what a downer!!!!  Lemme shift the focus. I will instead write to you about how I have refrained from becoming a totally depressed recluse (I've come close) or another sad sad statistic of someone with chronic pain who ended up taking her life (And yep, sadly, suicidal thoughts have crossed my mind over the years).  

 Beautiful Betty & I Cape Cod '13

     Every morning the first thing I say is, "good morning girls" in a sing-songy voice smiling down at my German shepherd, Betty, relaxing on her dog bed while petting my cat, Billie, who is usually right next to my head.  Yep, I'm in pain, and I will grimace when I slowly descend from the bed and place each foot on the ground, the first of many grimaces of the day.  Instead of focusing on the pain,  I shift my attention to my fur friends, and it helps tremendously.  Today, I woke up and Billie was pretty demanding for cuddle time. So, I gave her some love and chin scratches all the while admiring her soft fur and her youthful appearance even though she's about 13-years old.  Gratitude for this loving cat.  My little beauty queen.  It's the little things and she is literally very little about 8 pounds and always ready for a love fest.   This all happens in 30 seconds, yet it's crucial to start the day focusing on their loveliness and not my pain.  I make a point to start the day with a good attitude and it has become a habit, a damn good habit. I know in my heart that Betty and Billie really enjoy starting the day this way too.  

Cuddly Billie

     Speaking of gratitude, have I mentioned I am lucky enough to have a husband that fixes me coffee or tea every morning?  Um, thank you God for him!  He's not always in the best mood when he does it, but he always brings me a mug and we kiss.  I am eternally grateful for that simple daily act.  Our ten year anniversary is tomorrow, and yep, we got married the same year I got sick.  What would I have done without him?  Thank you William.  I feel like he is my rock of love and support in every way.  And I am our rock of positvity.  Is that a word?   I don't think it much matters in the blog world.  

Visiting NYC, Central Park Concert

     

     Let's leave my bedroom and look out the window as I sip coffee.  I look out onto trees and watch the breeze move through them.  Often I see a butterfly or a dragonfly wandering among the leaves. On three different occasions I've spotted a bald eagle!  A perk of living near a lake.  Gratitude for the dancing leaves, the winged ones large and small.  I watch the seasons change, I watch storms come and go, full moons and sunrises always beautiful always there always something to admire.  Notice and appreciate beauty instead of dwelling on pain.  

     Of course I am no Glenda the Good Witch.  I have meltdowns when fear and anxiety take over.  My sunshiny attitude is stomped out by sadness, frustration and anger. click here for a blog entry that delves into the anger, or not ...  I am human and I am in pain; it happens.  But, if I start the day recognizing the beauty that surrounds me I can usually carry  on with a positive attitude throughout the day.  In my meditation and qi gong practice, in my interactions with loved ones and strangers, while cooking, while taking my meds, while gimping around with my mobility limitations. 

Gratitude Always 

Van Morrison These Are the Days

These are the days of the endless summer
These are the days, the time is now
There is no past, there's only future
There's only here, there's only now

Oh your smiling face, your gracious presence
The fires of spring are kindling bright
Oh the radiant heart and the song of glory
Crying freedom in the night

These are the days by the sparkling river
His timely grace and our treasured find
This is the love of the one magician
Turned the water into wine

These are the days of the endless dancing and the
Long walks on the summer night
These are the days of the true romancing
When I'm holding you oh, so tight

These are the days by the sparkling river
His timely grace and our treasured find
This is the love of the one great magician
Turned the water into wine

These are the days now that we must savor
And we must enjoy as we can
These are the days that will last forever
You've got to hold them in your heart.