Shadow Self

Fearless

You say the hill's too steep to climb,

Chiding

You say you'd like to see me try,

Climbing

You pick the place and I'll choose the time

and I'll climb

the hill on my own

the hill in my own way

just wait a while for the right day

and as I rise above the tree line and the clouds

I look down hear the sound of the things you said today

fearlessly the idiot faced the crowd, smiling

merciless, the magistrate turns 'round, frowning

and who's the fool who wears the crown

go down in your own way

and everyday is the right day

and as you rise above the fear lines in his frown

you look down

hear the sound of the faces in the crowd.  

Argiope Aurantia Golden Orb Weaver

     My past few posts have been poking holes in my fears.  Letting go of fears.  The spiders and their webs can be described as an aspect of my shadow self, shadow energies, or since I am comparing the fears to spiders and their homes, perhaps my shadow totem animal.  In real life, when  I see a spider in my home, I get angry and kill it.  Gross, dirty and I don't want it biting me in my sleep.  They make me feel vulnerable and embarrassed that they are in my house.  Pink Floyd's song Fearless came on
Pandora today making me realize  it's time to rise above these fears, vulnerabilities ... The anger.  My angry vindictive punch you in the face envisioning self  buries this anger so deep to hide and cower in fear feeling powerless yet personally vindicated knowing I am right.  An angry little girl whose only way to defend herself is to cultivate justified anger which soothes her in an ocean of cruelty.  The pattern repeats over and over and over until disease riddles my body.
     Fears are aroused as I squash the spiders, but they just come back.  Like the songs says, It's time to rise above the tree line and the clouds.  Look down at my shadows ... my spiders, acknowledge them while moving on in my own way.   Gazing at the anger below ...  the shadows, letting go and flying above.  Above it all embracing the spiders instead.  Everyday is the right day.  The shadows are still with me as I fly.  I just acknowledge them now.  

Wilbur and Charlotte

     Spiders still crawl, I just no longer take the plunge into anger when they show up.  I look at them and realize there's a lot more to them, plus these spiders don't own me, but they can help me.  Spiders as spirit guides are seen as weavers of life's fate ... creative with their skills of web making.  So, I take my fears and reverse the hold they have on my life.  Dear spiders please help me be creative in my life while realizing I have a hand in my fate.  I embrace the good that these spiders offer me instead of fearing them.
     We all have our good and our bad leading with our shining sun while hiding our shadowy underbelly.  I face my anger and ask it to move on replacing the shadows with light replacing the fear of the spidery unknown with creativity and empowerment embracing the messages, the writing in the webs to heal and share with you.  Spiders help me write this blog opening myself up being vulnerable relaying my communications.  Facing life --the good and the uncomfortable with a confident, steady mind.

The spiders crawl and weave guiding me towards doing the good work, the hard work, my life's work ... messages. 

"Do you understand how there could be any writing in a spider's web?  "Oh no," said Dr. Dorian.  "I don't understand it.  But for that matter I don't understand how a spider learned to spin a web in the first place.  When the words appeared, everyone said they were a miracle.  But nobody pointed out that the web itself is a miracle."

EB White Charlotte's Web 

     Create your own miracles.  Find the messages that will help you.  Sometimes these messages will be waiting for you in the shadows with the creepy crawly spiders where you are extremely uncomfortable yet all to familiar with --your fears.  However, once you have the confidence to focus on the shadowed messages you will rise above your fears.  Your fears are that crowd ... that magistrate in the song, but you are now in the clouds and they don't have any sort of unhealthy hold on you anymore.  Terrific!!!

     

Love Them Anyway

I wanna leave you, don't wanna stay here

Don't wanna spend another day here

Though I wanna split now, I can't quit now.

     Smokey sounds a little stressed in this song doesn't he?  Well dear Smokey, you can quite and so can I --we all can.  Listen to this song like he's holding on to fear, which he probably is --staying with a girl who does him wrong.  Fear that he can't find/doesn't deserve someone better.  It's so easy to live and stay in fear and be angry and judgmental, but we all have the power to walk away from fear and embrace love.

Example of a LOVEFEST!!!

     Create your own miracle!  This song was the first to pop up in my playlist today.  It's one of my all time faves.  Who doesn't love a little Smokey?  I know the lyrics by heart and the message was loud and clear after my revelations during my last post.  Quit that anger loop, You got this, YES You Can!  Choose Love.

     And this lovely quote popped up on my facebook news-feed today.  I googled it because there is so much misinformation out there and it is real , not Mother Teresa like the post claimed (although she supposedly had this hanging up on a wall) but actually Dr. Kent M. Keith.  This is the life I am choosing to lead from here on out party people.  LOVEFEST!!!!!!

Art by Purnimodo

My Paradigm Shifted

A wise friend told me, my soul clears the cobwebs while my fears, perhaps my ego, can't stand the spiders: I am soooo ANGRY. 

     I just realized this about myself over the past few days. I hold onto bullshit that has happened to me feeling justified in my anger.  So how does this help?  Well dear reader of my blog, it doesn't help at all.  Not at ALL, and maybe all of this justified, well maintained anger just might be the emotional reason behind being so sick with rheumatoid arthritis?
     MAYYYY BE!?!?!?!? Please don't get the wrong idea.  I am not really the type of person who you would categorize as a rage-a-holic or someone who needs anger management classes.  Nope, I actually appear pretty chill. Patient, casual, kind ..... My anger is very subtle on the outside but rather entrenched on the inside.
     These thoughts I am figuring out and trying to write about are expanding my self-awareness.   Dude this is intense to think about and try to articulate! :)  So, how about an example?   I need examples for myself too --a simile or two, how about an allegory, analogy?  Metaphor anyone? Where is the part of my brain that remembers all of the English classes I passed?
     Let's start with my cobwebs, My soul is rockin ... so wise, knows what's up (so is yours) and I've got these cobwebs, life lessons, past hurts and heartache; clutter, and spiders intertwined in my soul, my life, my consciousness.  My soul aims for purity and calm while just taking out a broom to address the problems.
Clean up and move on from the mess.  But my ego says, "wait just one minute, how dare these cobwebs be here, Fuck this mess and dirt and Fuck these spiders!!!!"  And the anger comes rolling in fast like a treacherous storm (that was definitely a simile right?) and boom my whole being feels the anger and relishes in it so thinks my ego.   This is no bueno people!!!!  To be justified in putting your body through this much emotional rage --it's all very internal too.   A fiery rage on the reg. My rage is like those underground volcanoes that spew lava into the ocean creating underwater mountains that you can't see unless you dive deep.  Inside me, these mountains have turned into illness.  NO NO NO NO!!!   I gotta stop this.

Smoldering Underwater Lava

     And I have to give myself a break too.  Give everyone around me a break.  OK, easy as I give an example of what I am trying to explain.  My mother in law is a talented artist and has given me a lot of beautiful artwork over the years.  I love everything she has given me and I am thankful for all of it.  The thing is my sister is an artist too who has given me a lot of artwork as well.  Then I just have some prints, photos, and other home decor hanging up on the walls.   Bottom line, My MIL's stuff isn't all in the main rooms because we have so many lovely wall hangings.  I have her work hanging here and there throughout the house along with all of the other beautiful artwork.  (I know this is a first world problem, but I want to give a rather frivolous example that evokes rage to show you how easily my anger justifies itself.)  Anyway, when the MIL visits she often makes sideways comments about how she doesn't paint portraits to be hung up in spare bedrooms and criticizes my sister's work.  I want to punch her in the face.   I feel the anger as I am typing.

My rationalized anger comes from: your behavior is wrong and I am right but I am not confident enough to simply move on. .  Fear ultimately

Alright, enough, let go, I don't need you anymore anger. I am confident enough now to not have to use you to feel justified and correct.

     Breathing and letting go .... ;)  My anger is such a crutch.  I defended my sister's artwork and said, "well you two definitely have different styles."   (MIL traditional, sister modern.)  "We have a lot of wall hangings."  And the subject is dropped.  But it doesn't get dropped inside of me.  I will look at my walls and the conversations will replay in my head and up comes the anger, my justified anger crutch.  Sigh ....   The past maybe 4 or 5 days when the anger comes up over whatever spider is crawling around bothering my ego.  I recognize it right away and no longer revel in it.  Also, I literally think calmly, " I don't need you anymore, please move on."  And I thank the divine for the ability to recognize the bad pattern and ask for help to forge healthier ones.

     I have like a million examples -- both tragic refer to past angry blog posts and inconsequential like the example I just gave.  I have wayyyy too much anger bouncing around inside of me.  People will always say and do stupid shit and I am not going to hold onto to the crap anymore and revel in my anger towards their imperfections.  We ALL have imperfections, we ALL say and do stupid shit.  I've been a quiet grudgemonger since puberty perhaps?  I am so excited that I have realized this and I am working on changing!!!!  Yay!

     This Killer's song randomly came on my playlist during my epiphany.  I had never even heard it before, but it's spot on , and the qi sensations, the chills the happy tears were all there.  My spiritual dream team giving me a shout and agreeing with my realizations.

A little birdie whispered in my ear you've been cooking up a world of fear.