Friday, September 13, 2013

I'll Be the Rainbow after the Tears Are Gone.

Wrap you in my colors and keep you warm

     Let me start out this post by saying, Dammmmmnnnn, I wish dear Otis was alive and we could go to his concert.  Dammnnnn he knew the soul.  When I started this blog, I was unaware of the musical direction it would take.  But that's what's been happening and so I'm just rolling with it.

     Now roll around in these lyrics.
If I was the Sun way up there
I'd go with love most everywhere
I'll be the moon when the sun goes down
Just to let you know that I'm still around ...
I'll be the weeping willow drowning in my tears
And you can go swimming when you are here
I'll be the rainbow after the tears are gone
Wrap you in my colors and keep you warm ...
Anything the sun can do I will do it for you
Any kind of love you want, I'll be with you.
     This sappy sugary sweet song full of love and natural imagery popped into my head when I was doing Qi Gong for my relationship with my Stepfather.  One of my spiritual teachers told me that doing rounds in honor of people helps smooth out the energy between you --very healing.  However, in my experience, the process is extremely difficult making me face, process, and let go of old hurts.  For years, I would get an uneasy feeling at pit of my stomach when I was around my Stepdad.  And when I do Qi Gong for him, especially when I initially started, I would get the same feeling.  Our history is a rough one.  And it doesn't help that presently, there are elephants holding onto that history in the room that my Mom has a hold of by thick chains.  They have a tendency to stampede me if I'm not careful.
     As far as my five-year -old self was concerned when I met him, my life was fantastic.  Then Ken came along and the shitting upon began.  To  him, I was spoiled, and he told me so.  Everything I did was wrong.  he berated me constantly.  Bent down and screamed in my face occasionally spitting his hate specks of saliva.  The hate boils up as I type.  He was such an ass --a bully to a child.  I think that he was jealous of me.  Over the years the abuse, "most horrible person he knows, bitch, fat, stupid ....."  Berate, Berate, Berate.  I wanted to break his nose, stab him in the neck.  I hoped that he would get in a car accident.  I hated him.  There were moments of physical abuse too, but the verbal was so much more degrading and hurtful for me.
     For balance and a reality check, he had his moments of kindness.  I was an avid tree climber and he would help me suggesting which limbs to grab next whereas my Mom wanted me to get down for fear of me falling.  Once, he took me to Steeler training camp where I met Rod Woodson.  It was a good day.  His parents were wonderful and I loved them and visiting their country home often and learned about pirate baseball from my Pappy, canning, deer jerkey, and when I was older homemade wine.  Yum!!!
     So, I do rounds for him and all these memories come back the good and the bad, gotta get rid of the pain in my heart, the underlying hate, the feeling of injustice of the way he treated me.  You can't bully me anymore.  And for him ... I hope he lets go of his "stuff".  His childhood was pretty rough too living in poverty --his parents didn't have indoor plumbing until he went off to college.  Gotta let go of the generational rage and dysfunction.  I refuse to walk around the elephants as my Mom acts like everything's peachy and nothing ever happened --My poor Mom, the elephants suffocate her. I kindly try to stick to the real world.  Because, "no problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it." Albert Einstein.  Gotta change up the energy dynamics, unhelpful patterns.
     More hard work though, but the divine is here, helping and supporting:  Anything the sun can do I will do it for you ... Any kind of love you want, I'll be with you.  I need full sapptacular lovey dovey sugary sweet support when healing these wounds.  Thank You spiritual peeps for conveying that love through Otis.  I've really been feeling huge waves of love ever since this occurrence.  The universe is woven with love.  Embrace it and let it carry you!  Forgive and Love.
While visiting Vancouver, Canada in 2010, "I love You" graffiti was everywhere. 
I work at opening my heart and forgiving, letting go and loving just love ...  In the words of Master Ou:  "I treat you as my brothers and sisters and I can also say it this way:  I treat you as my sons and daughters.  My heart is filled with kind and benevolent love for you.  And certainly I am full of kind and benevolent love for human beings."  Or in the words of that stand up guy Jesus, "but I say to you love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be children of your Father in heaven; for he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the righteous and on the unrighteous."  Or the Beatles, All you need is LOVE!"  

The Loooooove entry is complete, go hug it out with someone.   Happy Friday!

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