Friday, June 20, 2014

Shadow Self



Fearless

You say the hill's too steep to climb,
Chiding
You say you'd like to see me try,
Climbing
You pick the place and I'll choose the time
and I'll climb
the hill on my own
the hill in my own way
just wait a while for the right day
and as I rise above the tree line and the clouds
I look down hear the sound of the things you said today
fearlessly the idiot faced the crowd, smiling
merciless, the magistrate turns 'round, frowning
and who's the fool who wears the crown
go down in your own way
and everyday is the right day
and as you rise above the fear lines in his frown
you look down
hear the sound of the faces in the crowd.  

Argiope Aurantia Golden Orb Weaver
     My past few posts have been poking holes in my fears.  Letting go of fears.  The spiders and their webs can be described as an aspect of my shadow self, shadow energies, or since I am comparing the fears to spiders and their homes, perhaps my shadow totem animal.  In real life, when  I see a spider in my home, I get angry and kill it.  Gross, dirty and I don't want it biting me in my sleep.  They make me feel vulnerable and embarrassed that they are in my house.  Pink Floyd's song Fearless came on
Pandora today making me realize  it's time to rise above these fears, vulnerabilities ... The anger.  My angry vindictive punch you in the face envisioning self  buries this anger so deep to hide and cower in fear feeling powerless yet personally vindicated knowing I am right.  An angry little girl whose only way to defend herself is to cultivate justified anger which soothes her in an ocean of cruelty.  The pattern repeats over and over and over until disease riddles my body.
     Fears are aroused as I squash the spiders, but they just come back.  Like the songs says, It's time to rise above the tree line and the clouds.  Look down at my shadows ... my spiders, acknowledge them while moving on in my own way.   Gazing at the anger below ...  the shadows, letting go and flying above.  Above it all embracing the spiders instead.  Everyday is the right day.  The shadows are still with me as I fly.  I just acknowledge them now.  
Wilbur and Charlotte
     Spiders still crawl, I just no longer take the plunge into anger when they show up.  I look at them and realize there's a lot more to them, plus these spiders don't own me, but they can help me.  Spiders as spirit guides are seen as weavers of life's fate ... creative with their skills of web making.  So, I take my fears and reverse the hold they have on my life.  Dear spiders please help me be creative in my life while realizing I have a hand in my fate.  I embrace the good that these spiders offer me instead of fearing them.
     We all have our good and our bad leading with our shining sun while hiding our shadowy underbelly.  I face my anger and ask it to move on replacing the shadows with light replacing the fear of the spidery unknown with creativity and empowerment embracing the messages, the writing in the webs to heal and share with you.  Spiders help me write this blog opening myself up being vulnerable relaying my communications.  Facing life --the good and the uncomfortable with a confident, steady mind.

The spiders crawl and weave guiding me towards doing the good work, the hard work, my life's work ... messages. 

"Do you understand how there could be any writing in a spider's web?  "Oh no," said Dr. Dorian.  "I don't understand it.  But for that matter I don't understand how a spider learned to spin a web in the first place.  When the words appeared, everyone said they were a miracle.  But nobody pointed out that the web itself is a miracle."
EB White Charlotte's Web 
     Create your own miracles.  Find the messages that will help you.  Sometimes these messages will be waiting for you in the shadows with the creepy crawly spiders where you are extremely uncomfortable yet all to familiar with --your fears.  However, once you have the confidence to focus on the shadowed messages you will rise above your fears.  Your fears are that crowd ... that magistrate in the song, but you are now in the clouds and they don't have any sort of unhealthy hold on you anymore.  Terrific!!!

     


Thursday, June 19, 2014

Love Them Anyway



I wanna leave you, don't wanna stay here
Don't wanna spend another day here
Though I wanna split now, I can't quit now.

     Smokey sounds a little stressed in this song doesn't he?  Well dear Smokey, you can quite and so can I --we all can.  Listen to this song like he's holding on to fear, which he probably is --staying with a girl who does him wrong.  Fear that he can't find/doesn't deserve someone better.  It's so easy to live and stay in fear and be angry and judgmental, but we all have the power to walk away from fear and embrace love.
Example of a LOVEFEST!!!
     Create your own miracle!  This song was the first to pop up in my playlist today.  It's one of my all time faves.  Who doesn't love a little Smokey?  I know the lyrics by heart and the message was loud and clear after my revelations during my last post.  Quit that anger loop, You got this, YES You Can!  Choose Love.
     And this lovely quote popped up on my facebook news-feed today.  I googled it because there is so much misinformation out there and it is real , not Mother Teresa like the post claimed (although she supposedly had this hanging up on a wall) but actually Dr. Kent M. Keith.  This is the life I am choosing to lead from here on out party people.  LOVEFEST!!!!!!

Art by Purnimodo

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

My Paradigm Shifted

A wise friend told me, my soul clears the cobwebs while my fears, perhaps my ego, can't stand the spiders: I am soooo ANGRY. 

     I just realized this about myself over the past few days. I hold onto bullshit that has happened to me feeling justified in my anger.  So how does this help?  Well dear reader of my blog, it doesn't help at all.  Not at ALL, and maybe all of this justified, well maintained anger just might be the emotional reason behind being so sick with rheumatoid arthritis?
     MAYYYY BE!?!?!?!? Please don't get the wrong idea.  I am not really the type of person who you would categorize as a rage-a-holic or someone who needs anger management classes.  Nope, I actually appear pretty chill. Patient, casual, kind ..... My anger is very subtle on the outside but rather entrenched on the inside.
     These thoughts I am figuring out and trying to write about are expanding my self-awareness.   Dude this is intense to think about and try to articulate! :)  So, how about an example?   I need examples for myself too --a simile or two, how about an allegory, analogy?  Metaphor anyone? Where is the part of my brain that remembers all of the English classes I passed?
     Let's start with my cobwebs, My soul is rockin ... so wise, knows what's up (so is yours) and I've got these cobwebs, life lessons, past hurts and heartache; clutter, and spiders intertwined in my soul, my life, my consciousness.  My soul aims for purity and calm while just taking out a broom to address the problems.
Clean up and move on from the mess.  But my ego says, "wait just one minute, how dare these cobwebs be here, Fuck this mess and dirt and Fuck these spiders!!!!"  And the anger comes rolling in fast like a treacherous storm (that was definitely a simile right?) and boom my whole being feels the anger and relishes in it so thinks my ego.   This is no bueno people!!!!  To be justified in putting your body through this much emotional rage --it's all very internal too.   A fiery rage on the reg. My rage is like those underground volcanoes that spew lava into the ocean creating underwater mountains that you can't see unless you dive deep.  Inside me, these mountains have turned into illness.  NO NO NO NO!!!   I gotta stop this.
Smoldering Underwater Lava
     And I have to give myself a break too.  Give everyone around me a break.  OK, easy as I give an example of what I am trying to explain.  My mother in law is a talented artist and has given me a lot of beautiful artwork over the years.  I love everything she has given me and I am thankful for all of it.  The thing is my sister is an artist too who has given me a lot of artwork as well.  Then I just have some prints, photos, and other home decor hanging up on the walls.   Bottom line, My MIL's stuff isn't all in the main rooms because we have so many lovely wall hangings.  I have her work hanging here and there throughout the house along with all of the other beautiful artwork.  (I know this is a first world problem, but I want to give a rather frivolous example that evokes rage to show you how easily my anger justifies itself.)  Anyway, when the MIL visits she often makes sideways comments about how she doesn't paint portraits to be hung up in spare bedrooms and criticizes my sister's work.  I want to punch her in the face.   I feel the anger as I am typing.

My rationalized anger comes from: your behavior is wrong and I am right but I am not confident enough to simply move on. .  Fear ultimately

Alright, enough, let go, I don't need you anymore anger. I am confident enough now to not have to use you to feel justified and correct.

     Breathing and letting go .... ;)  My anger is such a crutch.  I defended my sister's artwork and said, "well you two definitely have different styles."   (MIL traditional, sister modern.)  "We have a lot of wall hangings."  And the subject is dropped.  But it doesn't get dropped inside of me.  I will look at my walls and the conversations will replay in my head and up comes the anger, my justified anger crutch.  Sigh ....   The past maybe 4 or 5 days when the anger comes up over whatever spider is crawling around bothering my ego.  I recognize it right away and no longer revel in it.  Also, I literally think calmly, " I don't need you anymore, please move on."  And I thank the divine for the ability to recognize the bad pattern and ask for help to forge healthier ones.
     I have like a million examples -- both tragic refer to past angry blog posts and inconsequential like the example I just gave.  I have wayyyy too much anger bouncing around inside of me.  People will always say and do stupid shit and I am not going to hold onto to the crap anymore and revel in my anger towards their imperfections.  We ALL have imperfections, we ALL say and do stupid shit.  I've been a quiet grudgemonger since puberty perhaps?  I am so excited that I have realized this and I am working on changing!!!!  Yay!
     This Killer's song randomly came on my playlist during my epiphany.  I had never even heard it before, but it's spot on , and the qi sensations, the chills the happy tears were all there.  My spiritual dream team giving me a shout and agreeing with my realizations.

A little birdie whispered in my ear you've been cooking up a world of fear.



Friday, June 13, 2014

To the Rescue, Here I am

Please rescue me from fear, anger, pain, and worry.

Dreamscapes with the Divine.  A different sort of post today.

     I am in a dark place.  I'm a little unsure, but I feel the comforting feeling of animal fur on my skin and there is a flight of stairs ahead of me that leads up into the clouds.  My legs start climbing the stairs and I realize that they are not in pain riddled with 10 years of RA disease.  I am strong, very strong, actually athletic even as I climb the stairs.  At the top of the stairs is a robust and rather impatient male bald eagle.
Unsure again, I don't know what to do as I gaze at this magnificent creature.  I try to grab onto the upper wings of the eagle to ride it, but the eagle won't let me and appears even more impatient.  Then I remember my new found strength just then the eagle takes off flying into a forest and I am able to follow him running through the forest keeping an eye on my guide.  As I run, I am turning into a woman of the forest like a young, robust Native American woman.  I am very muscular and tan exactly how I was before getting sick.  Running and following the eagle feels exhilarating and empowering.
     Then, the eagles leads me to a cave at the top of a ridge.  There is a stone at the entrance and I have to push it out of the way to get inside.  Once inside, I realize I am not alone there is a mother wolf with her pups and they looked very inviting and happy to see me so I walk over, lie down and cuddle with them.  The feeling of animal fur on my skin once again, warm and comforting.  A nice campfire appears in front of us and the Divine appears on the other side of the flames proudly smiling at me.  He starts to laugh in a playful sort of way and a big beaver with buck teeth stands next to him smiling at me and the wolves then join in on the smiles.  My eyes turn upward and bats are hanging from the ceiling cave and there are some mourning doves perched here and there.  The winged ones feel happy to me as well.  We are a happy cozy bunch enjoying the fire.
     We all walk out of the cave as the sun rises reaching the ridge enveloping the whole sky.  Beautiful! And I feel love wonderful breathtaking all consuming love.  Tears stream down my face and my heart bursts open communing with this universal love.  And here I go with the music again.  A Bob Marley song drifts into the love fest sunrise.  To the rescue here I am, I'm a rainbow too .... Over and over with the lyrics as my heart expands more and more .....

Florida 2010

     Then the Divine's words, "The Sun is Always Shining Behind the Clouds."

Symbolism

The strong athletic confident woman of the forest is my soul.
Eagle my healing journey.  I am confused and don't know how to heal this way.  I try to control the eagle by grabbing it.  Then I realize I have to trust and follow the eagle
The cave is my death, my old life, the old me, old ways, old fears.
But the wolves and the other animals comfort and accept me during my rebirth. 
The divine is comforting and proud, extremely happy which is infectious.  
The beaver represents all of the hard work sickness, healing, tempering, death, rebirth.
The bats another representation of death and rebirth.
The doves, my goal of peace.
I rescue myself with all of their help!
Leaving the cave with confidence, reborn, healed, calm, fearless and happy of course!
The sunrise is the prize, peace and happiness ... 
The Sun is always shining behind the clouds.
No matter how dreary your day is the sun is just right on the other side shining brightly for you.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Always Look Up

Dolly in the Sky with Diamonds
     When you literally look up you may notice butterflies, dragonflies, crows, hawks, vultures, a heron.  Or perhaps a beautiful cloud that looks like an elephant or maybe something that might resemble your Grandma's face.  Huh?  Yep, I just typed your Grandma's face.  What?  One evening as the sun was setting and storm clouds were rolling in I looked up after getting out of my car at a grocery store parking lot and I saw a delightful scene of oranges, pinks, yellows, and blues.  I snapped a photo and a few other people who were hustling towards the doors stopped to see what I was taking a picture of;  I hope that they noticed the beauty too.  Then I proceeded to go in and shop.
     After I got home, I checked out my photo and fiddled with it on Instagram and uploaded it.  Such a beautiful shot I thought.  My cousin noticed it online and responded, "doesn't that look like a woman's face in the clouds?"  I took a look closer and my hair stood up on my arms.  Not only did it look like a woman's face, but it looked like our Grandma Dolly's face who has been dead since 1997.  Huge waves of her loving and protective energy swirled around enveloping me.  I know this sounds bizarre, but the feelings, the chills, the hair standing up, my Grandma's energy was everywhere.  She is often very near protecting me.  Watching over me learning, healing, and helping me heal.  As I studied the photo, her palpable presence lifted me up into her loving energy.
     I know deep in my heart she is just right over on the other side watching out for me.  I wish that everyone realized this about their deceased loved ones.  Just yesterday I was watching and old Sopranos episode while cooking dinner and the game Canasta was brought up which made me immediately think about her.  We loved to play Canasta together.  She always beat me; she beat me in every game we played.  I finally clued in that she was a bit of a cheater.  Well, actually a big cheater a card shark really and she thoroughly enjoyed beating her grand-kids --everyone was fair game.  Ha!  You may be reading this and thinking, "wow what a crappy thing to do."  But she was funny about it, a little stinker with a twinkle in her eye playing and cheating, laughing.  If only we played together when I was older, then maybe I could have learned some of her tricks.  So, the mention of this card game on TV made me think of her and giggle at her shenanigans and then there she was again sending me waves of love.  I got teary eyed and said in my mind, "grandma I miss you so much and I love you."  
Grandma and I 1995
     The tears were the good kind --the wistful loving bittersweet tears full of memories and warm emotions. Grandma love and protection, I just rolled around in that for a little while.  :)  Afterwards, I decided that Grandma Dolly would have to be in my next post.  However, I was unsure what direction to take my conviction.  She was a complicated lady who I could probably write a book about how her complications affected different family members, but that just doesn't feel right for now.  I am going to keep the message simple, but it may be hard to believe.  I believe it 100% though.
     My  message inspired by my Grandma: You are never alone.  You always have a dream team of spirit MVP's who are helping you along, guiding you and loving you.  I feel this every day.  Sometimes the messages are clear.  Sometimes they take a little mediation to decipher and realize.  If you slow down and meditate, (whatever form of mediation that works for you) signs of your spiritual dream team will surface ... you just have to be looking out for them.  Perhaps a message will be in the clouds or in a song; a coincidence of some kind that is actually not a coincidence at all.  I may not have started my energetic meditation practice (Pangu Qi Gong) if I hadn't gotten so sick from rheumatoid arthritis.  So again gratitude for exactly where I am right now in my life.  Taking my time and looking up and noticing the beauty and messages that wait to be noticed everyday.  Messages that I was too harried and busy before to see.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

10 Years of Chronic Disease --Reflections

Gratitude in the Midst of Rheumatoid Arthritis

     When life gives you a big fat painful lemon the size of what seems like the entire universe all you have really when you are navigating life with this lemon on your back, in your face, and up your BLEEP is your attitude. Attitude, noun a settled way of thinking or feeling about someone or something, typically one that is reflected in a person's behavior.
     And I don't mean a bad attitude that seems to be glorified in this country --I mean I try to be positive hoping for remission, and look for the beauty in all things --gratitude always.  An attitude full of gratitude!
     As I sit here and reflect, It doesn't feel right to write about all of the medications I've been on in detail and how they punked out on me or the bad experiences I've had with doctors, insurance companies, deductibles, expensive drugs, debt, liver enzyme scares, osteoporosis fears, inconsiderate strangers, friends, and family, my anxiety and depression bouts, losing a promising business, having to go on disability, feeling like I've let the whole world down, weight gain, the list goes on.  My Big Fat Painful Lemon.  WAH!!!!!!!
     I could go over all that in detail, but what a downer!!!!  Lemme shift the focus. I will instead write to you about how I have refrained from becoming a totally depressed recluse (I've come close) or another sad sad statistic of someone with chronic pain who ended up taking her life (And yep, sadly, suicidal thoughts have crossed my mind over the years).  
 Beautiful Betty & I Cape Cod '13
     Every morning the first thing I say is, "good morning girls" in a sing-songy voice smiling down at my German shepherd, Betty, relaxing on her dog bed while petting my cat, Billie, who is usually right next to my head.  Yep, I'm in pain, and I will grimace when I slowly descend from the bed and place each foot on the ground, the first of many grimaces of the day.  Instead of focusing on the pain,  I shift my attention to my fur friends, and it helps tremendously.  Today, I woke up and Billie was pretty demanding for cuddle time. So, I gave her some love and chin scratches all the while admiring her soft fur and her youthful appearance even though she's about 13-years old.  Gratitude for this loving cat.  My little beauty queen.  It's the little things and she is literally very little about 8 pounds and always ready for a love fest.   This all happens in 30 seconds, yet it's crucial to start the day focusing on their loveliness and not my pain.  I make a point to start the day with a good attitude and it has become a habit, a damn good habit. I know in my heart that Betty and Billie really enjoy starting the day this way too.  
Cuddly Billie
     Speaking of gratitude, have I mentioned I am lucky enough to have a husband that fixes me coffee or tea every morning?  Um, thank you God for him!  He's not always in the best mood when he does it, but he always brings me a mug and we kiss.  I am eternally grateful for that simple daily act.  Our ten year anniversary is tomorrow, and yep, we got married the same year I got sick.  What would I have done without him?  Thank you William.  I feel like he is my rock of love and support in every way.  And I am our rock of positvity.  Is that a word?   I don't think it much matters in the blog world.  
Visiting NYC, Central Park Concert
     
     Let's leave my bedroom and look out the window as I sip coffee.  I look out onto trees and watch the breeze move through them.  Often I see a butterfly or a dragonfly wandering among the leaves. On three different occasions I've spotted a bald eagle!  A perk of living near a lake.  Gratitude for the dancing leaves, the winged ones large and small.  I watch the seasons change, I watch storms come and go, full moons and sunrises always beautiful always there always something to admire.  Notice and appreciate beauty instead of dwelling on pain.  
     Of course I am no Glenda the Good Witch.  I have meltdowns when fear and anxiety take over.  My sunshiny attitude is stomped out by sadness, frustration and anger. click here for a blog entry that delves into the anger, or not ...  I am human and I am in pain; it happens.  But, if I start the day recognizing the beauty that surrounds me I can usually carry  on with a positive attitude throughout the day.  In my meditation and qi gong practice, in my interactions with loved ones and strangers, while cooking, while taking my meds, while gimping around with my mobility limitations. 

Gratitude Always 

Van Morrison These Are the Days


These are the days of the endless summer
These are the days, the time is now
There is no past, there's only future
There's only here, there's only now

Oh your smiling face, your gracious presence
The fires of spring are kindling bright
Oh the radiant heart and the song of glory
Crying freedom in the night

These are the days by the sparkling river
His timely grace and our treasured find
This is the love of the one magician
Turned the water into wine

These are the days of the endless dancing and the
Long walks on the summer night
These are the days of the true romancing
When I'm holding you oh, so tight

These are the days by the sparkling river
His timely grace and our treasured find
This is the love of the one great magician
Turned the water into wine

These are the days now that we must savor
And we must enjoy as we can
These are the days that will last forever
You've got to hold them in your heart
.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Artichokes on the Brain Again & in My Belly

Reassurance

     We're safe and sound. My Grandma and Pappy Pagano and I are sitting around their kitchen table on a quiet summer evening and I am eating my Grandma's stuffed artichokes for the first time. I am in my early twenties visiting them in Pennsylvania. We are catching up on lost time. I should have had these long ago with them, but an irresponsible Dad and a bitter Mother got in the way. So here I am as a young adult finally learning about my culture, my family, and these two very loving adults Jennie and Joe Pagano. A whole artichoke is pretty exotic looking and I am not quite sure where to begin having only eaten marinated ones from a jar. "How do I eat this?" My Grandma patiently gives me the run down, "you tear off each leaf and you can eat the stuffing and bite off the tender tip. But throw the rest of the leaf in this bowl. Then once you get to the choke, cut it away and enjoy the heart." So, we dig in, very very unique, earthy flavored with Italian bread crumbs. Delicious! I am hooked and tell them so. They both quietly smile. My Pap looks me in the eyes and looks sort of melancholy but very loving. Finally learning about each other bonding over a home cooked meal. Family doing the hard work to have a relationship and I realize that with these two it has been worth the heartache and the redoubled effort to connect to learn and to love. Oh my they are so easy to love!!! They are so reassuring and loving and open-hearted towards me.  They make me feel safe and loved.
     Safe and Sound. While shopping at Whole foods last week I catch a glimpse of the fresh artichokes and this lovely scene from over ten years ago plays out in my head. Our quiet and natural bonding over a meal. I feel very warm and fuzzy, so I buy two. When I get home, my husband finally tells me after eating them with me and my family several times that he actually doesn't like them. "More for me," I tell him. And I do get it, they are an acquired taste pretty ethnic. So, I make my stuffed artichokes and I am eating one for lunch the next day. My Grandfather's been dead for a few years now, but here he is; his energy springing up as I eat the artichoke by myself. He's here to join me with his big brown Pagano eyes looking at me proudly and I am engulfed with his love as I cry tears of joy all the while eating a perfectly stuffed artichoke. Crying and channeling and eating. Ha! Joe's reassuring me, loving me. Not letting me eat such a Pagano family favorite by myself. A few days later he pops up again. More strong waves of love wash over me as Safe and Sound by Capital Cities plays in my head.  His message to me:            
                                                                                                              
 

     The phrase safe and sound is in the song over 25 times.  Ok, ok I get Pap.  I am safe and sound .... everything's gonna be alright.  Is that not the most encouraging, Grandfatherly message ever? These silly pop songs can really pack a punch when used by the divine. I am always supported and enveloped by his love and others.  Love really is everywhere.  Facing fears and keeping my chin up with his support always.   Sometimes I get so frustrated and sad about the state of my physical health.  I am going to call you in during those times ok? Thanks Joe, I love you so much. Thanks for always being proud, always loving, and always having my back, come and hang out with me anytime. Mangia!  And of course I have to share the artichoke recipe! 

Stuffed Artichokes
  1. Fresh Whole Artichokes
  2. Italian Bread Crumbs
  3. Romano Cheese
  4. Salt and Pepper
  5. Fresh Italian Parsley Finely Chopped
  6. Water
  7. EVOO
Wash artichokes well under cold running water as you open up leaves with your fingers, trim off lower leaves around stem, cut off stem, cut of top and make flat topped, snip each outer leaf with kitchen scissors flat. Let drain upside down.
Mix bread crumbs, salt and pepper, cheese, and parsley, fill each leaf and the center with the mixture.  Add about one cup of water to a dutch oven. Arrange chokes upright in pan. (“Jennie Trick”, if only doing 2, put a coffee mug in with the chokes upside down so they stay upright.) Drizzle generously with EVOO. Cover and bring to a boil, reduce and steam for about 45 minutes until leaves come off easily. Add water when needed.