With your in my hand and a pocket full of soul.
After my angry at the universe post. I figured it was time to call in the heavy because I was sorta losin it. So discouraged, in pain and alone --alone in my pain while life passes me by. Angry and sad. Alone on a very comfortable recliner that's not comfortable anymore because I've been sitting in the damn thing since December. Crawling out of my skin pushing for a miracle. Jealous of the world, the world that walks without pain who unlike me can take a piss without grimacing in pain during the descent to the seat --knees, shoulders, wrists screaming. Push push pushing for a miracle and angry at everything. And I had my period. Great week!!!!!
My "heavy" that I was referring to is Master Ou. I needed his guidance which he doles out carefully preferring to remind his students of the importance of our continued daily PGSG practice. He felt my pain and responded reassuring me that I am not alone.
Email exchange:
Me: "I have been really discouraged and frustrated. I have been waking up in horrible pain usually in both of my arms from my fingertips to my shoulders late night and early morning. Then when I wake up for the day, I am depressed and feel like someone beat me up while I was sleeping.
My family is frustrated and worried about me and are very alarmed that I am refusing to take medication. It puts pressure on everyone because I am so helpless because of pain and lack of mobility.
Does Master Ou have any idea how much longer my pain is going to be intense? I feel like I have no purpose, I can't do anything, and I have nothing to contribute to the world. My life feels frozen and debilitating pain controls everything."
His response translated by his daughter: "We are very sorry to know that you have been under such pain and stress. My father said, there are two very important factors playing a key role under such situation in order to break through. Number one, to have a very strong will. From many patients’ experiences, we all know that medication do not help improving RA, but there are some people recovered from RA by doing pgsg practice. But of course, it’s not an easy journey. Mrs. Yang is a good example. I’m sure you understand all these, however, it would be very helpful if you repeat these reasoning to yourself and re-read Mrs. Yang’s testimonial again and again. This will help you to keep a strong will. And then, number two, to encourage yourself to do as much as pgsg practice as you can, just see it as your only job. In addition, you may often recall how did you make yourself totally independent a couple years ago, learn from the self at that time.
My father also suggested you to do a couple more things. In the morning, as soon as you wake up, relax yourself and keep on saying password in your mind for 15 to 20 minutes. At night, plan his healing songs/chants all night to adjust the nerve and mind.
My father said, he will always keep you in mind supporting you."
I cried while reading the email. We are never alone are we? During the healing that we set up the following week, I felt like Master Ou and the whole entire universe everything divine, lovely, and light were giving me a great big hug. Tears of release poured down my cheeks and for at least an hour afterward.
During this spiritual bear hug, I truly embraced the realization that we have a team of guides with the divine in the forefront helping and encouraging us always. Oftentimes for me, signs and communications come in unexpected packages. During the healing, Justin Timberlake's hit song Mirrors kept popping up in my head. I respect Timberlake, but I don't like his music --well I didn't like him musically until that day. After the healing was through, I cried and cried some more the back of my throat ached and that darn pop song was still in my head. Alright alright, I can take a hint it must be one of my songs, but I never really understood what he was singing in the high key, so the song was blurry in my head. It was like listening to a channel not quite tuned properly. I checked it out on Youtube with a version that had the lyrics. So I thought I was crying pretty hard up to this point? It was all over once I started reading the lyrics, HOT MESS of tears, tears of gratitude and understanding as I kept on feeling the warm squeeze of support from my spiritual peeps.
BTW It's pocket full of soul ... not soap. ;)
Aren't you somethin' to admire?
Cause your shine is somethin like a mirror
And I can't help but notice
You reflect in this heart of mine
If you ever feel alone and
The glare makes me hard to find
Just know that I'm always
Parallel on the other side
... You just gotta be strong
By now, you know I know .... I know it's hard to stay strong in the face of so much pain. But you gotta, ya' gotta be a fighter, rely on your will, see it through with patience and grace; you have the support. Ask for your spiritual peeps --rest your weary head on their shoulders. You are Never alone and Never give up to the pain. Even if you feel alone in this world, the world where everyone's busy but you cause you can't get off the fricken recliner. You are never alone. And you are actually pretty fabulous and have the moxy to support yo'self as well.
So spiritual peeps what else would you like for me to communicate? Show me how to bring Light in. I accept
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