Falling In & Out of Love

With Myself

     Do you ever get a song stuck in your head?  Well, I do all of the time.  Thankfully, it's normally a song that I enjoy.  During the spring of 2011, in beginning of my separation from my husband, I started listening to country music a lot --like every day.  I went on to rap --a  lot of Ice Cube and Biggie.  Then landed in soul and jazz where I still am today rolling around in A Love Supreme and Dreams to Remember.
      Ok, back to country, so here I was with my country music on Pandora, listening to it on the radio and in the car.  Discovering the Judd's song Grandpa and sing/crying to Patsy Cline songs.  What American woman has not divulged in a little sing/crying to a Patsy Cline tune?  If you haven't --Please Youtube Patsy Cline's She's Got You right now.  Get your sing/cry on.  It's phenomenal for the soul; let it out!  Ok, so I went there, I rolled around in the sadness and heartache of country music, mostly old school country.  None of that new country pop (crap).  In the midst of my listening, Pure Prairie League's Amie kept popping up in my head and on my playlists. I like this catchy tune, but had no connection or history with it.  Why was this song so insistent on getting my attention?
     One late morning, I was getting ready for a Master Ou long distance healing and Amie was the last song to play before I headed outside to relax in the backyard for the healing.  As I was singing along, I thought perplexed, "there it is again."  I hadn't yet realized or honed in on consciously tuning in yet or, I may have figured out the significance sooner.   Who am I falling in and out of love with; as far as I could recollect no one?
     You may be wondering what in the world I meant by a  "Master Ou healing" in the previous paragraph?  How do I explain?  You can click on the link I created for a description on pangu.org.  I believe it is a little different for everyone.  That particular healing love gushed, swarmed, washed over, and enveloped me.  I felt alive and confident during and afterwards and immediately realized the meaning of the song Amie.  The person that I fall in and out of love with is myself, ME.  I wish I could say that now that it is the summer of 2013 two years later I have rectified this situation, but, no.  I still struggle with self worth and love.  This blog subject of self love will be further developed in future posts.  There is so much to this; I am really overwhelmed just thinking about it.  I am not sure that I have a wise and well written summation in me at this time.  This is an ongoing struggle for me with many faces and many reasons for being.

Frida Kahlo The Broken Column 1944

     A few months ago, I was walking towards my bedroom and my RA pain was raging; I was stooped over and really struggling.  I felt like someone was trying to shove me down face first.  I feel like this pain wants me to lay down and stay down.  Throw in the towel.  Screw it, as Frida Kahlo said, "burn this Judas of a body."  The doubter in me is angry and hateful about my condition while rolling around in victim-hood and stagnation.  The strong woman who loves and smiles and knows she will get better loves herself and fights this other debbie downer every day.  It's a tough fight --a fascinating fight as well.  An "out of this world" fight as I dig deep and find help from the divine.  I believe this fight is building something beautiful something worth fighting for.  Since I want to help others with my writing, then I have to start with me.  Love all of my messy, be kind to the good and the bad.  Love it all; accept it all then I can accept others fully with kindness and benevolence.  Or, love your neighbor as yourself.  :)

"Usual things can be understood with usual thinking,
while abnormal things can be comprehended only with unusual views.
You would be more calm if you think like that."  

A statement made by Pan Gu to Master Ou in the book The Path of Life page 117

For sanity's sake or to be "more calm" I will continue to believe that this fight is worth it and good things are brewing ... a happy and healthy healed heart, soul, and body.