I expected to be:
A Mom
Where does this expectation take me when it rears its needy head in my thoughts. Frustration, Depression, and Anxiety. Oh bully! My life is on a course (not the course that I expected at all). When I first got sick my husband I were married for a month before the RA diagnosis. Yes, you read that correctly, one month. Sigh. Then, the drugs were really really bad for a fetus.I have been sick my entire marriage ... not really conducive to child bearing.
When I found PGSG, we were freshly separated. Now that we are back together, I am still in a lot of physical pain and now I don't want to try out motherhood at all. I gaze admirably at my friends with their kids --maybe a little longingly at times. Of course there are oodles of options, but for me, personally, I refrain. My husband has the same mindset, but none the less, it's still a big disappointment. I told my cousin a few months ago that I wish I would have just gotten knocked up in my early twenties. No such luck, woulda coulda shoulda ..... Where would my life be if I did?
So, here I am free of children. We can travel when we want and I can have as many furry friends as we can afford. There are other positive aspects to my independence. I have a good amount of free time that I can designate towards healing. Like the time spent on this blog for example. Sharing my personal experiences is extremely healing and my hope is to help others in similar predicaments or help people with loved ones with chronic disease understand them. I am grateful for these gifts that I have to offer. And let's be honest, I have a humongous family --all sides. Lots of siblings, cousins, young second cousins, etc ..... I have plenty of options spreading my love in a supportive and nurturing manner.
Oh but that dream of motherhood. To look at it as a dream instead of an expectation helps. I remember this dream. I live in the present. I continue to save all of my childhood books because one day maybe. But for now, today I preserve my dreams keeping them in check from turning into expectations. I keep the books and spread my love among all of my family and friends because I am blessed with many. I heal and I love .... myself included in this love that I spread. I hope that my example heals others.
Turn your expectations into dreams nurture them while living in the present making each hour fruitful and full of love. Remember them but don't let them own you. Easy right? Not really. I'm a practical girl who needs practical directions. So here's what I do. When you feel your dreams slipping into a pushy expectation look around at all of the beauty that surrounds you. I don't care where you are. Look outside the box and beauty will be doing jumping jacks hoping for you to notice. I can see beauty in a dilapidated, closed steel mill. Just look. A mourning dove perched on a rail singing it's quiet call. Otis Redding embracing you with his soulful voice. Dreams to Remember.
Fishing with a sweet little four-year-old who happens to be your nephew. Let yourself smile and soak in the beauty allow gratitude to rush in. It's been doing back hand springs for you to notice. You have so much to be grateful for. It's just waiting for you; embrace the beauty and gratitude all the while holding on to your dreams ......
When I found PGSG, we were freshly separated. Now that we are back together, I am still in a lot of physical pain and now I don't want to try out motherhood at all. I gaze admirably at my friends with their kids --maybe a little longingly at times. Of course there are oodles of options, but for me, personally, I refrain. My husband has the same mindset, but none the less, it's still a big disappointment. I told my cousin a few months ago that I wish I would have just gotten knocked up in my early twenties. No such luck, woulda coulda shoulda ..... Where would my life be if I did? So, here I am free of children. We can travel when we want and I can have as many furry friends as we can afford. There are other positive aspects to my independence. I have a good amount of free time that I can designate towards healing. Like the time spent on this blog for example. Sharing my personal experiences is extremely healing and my hope is to help others in similar predicaments or help people with loved ones with chronic disease understand them. I am grateful for these gifts that I have to offer. And let's be honest, I have a humongous family --all sides. Lots of siblings, cousins, young second cousins, etc ..... I have plenty of options spreading my love in a supportive and nurturing manner.
Oh but that dream of motherhood. To look at it as a dream instead of an expectation helps. I remember this dream. I live in the present. I continue to save all of my childhood books because one day maybe. But for now, today I preserve my dreams keeping them in check from turning into expectations. I keep the books and spread my love among all of my family and friends because I am blessed with many. I heal and I love .... myself included in this love that I spread. I hope that my example heals others.
Turn your expectations into dreams nurture them while living in the present making each hour fruitful and full of love. Remember them but don't let them own you. Easy right? Not really. I'm a practical girl who needs practical directions. So here's what I do. When you feel your dreams slipping into a pushy expectation look around at all of the beauty that surrounds you. I don't care where you are. Look outside the box and beauty will be doing jumping jacks hoping for you to notice. I can see beauty in a dilapidated, closed steel mill. Just look. A mourning dove perched on a rail singing it's quiet call. Otis Redding embracing you with his soulful voice. Dreams to Remember.
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