Smokey sounds a little stressed in this song doesn't he? Well dear Smokey, you can quite and so can I --we all can. Listen to this song like he's holding on to fear, which he probably is --staying with a girl who does him wrong. Fear that he can't find/doesn't deserve someone better. It's so easy to live and stay in fear and be angry and judgmental, but we all have the power to walk away from fear and embrace love.
Example of a LOVEFEST!!!
Create your own miracle! This song was the first to pop up in my playlist today. It's one of my all time faves. Who doesn't love a little Smokey? I know the lyrics by heart and the message was loud and clear after my revelations during my last post. Quit that anger loop, You got this, YES You Can! Choose Love.
And this lovely quote popped up on my facebook news-feed today. I googled it because there is so much misinformation out there and it is real , not Mother Teresa like the post claimed (although she supposedly had this hanging up on a wall) but actually Dr. Kent M. Keith. This is the life I am choosing to lead from here on out party people. LOVEFEST!!!!!!
A wise friend told me, my soul clears the cobwebs while my fears, perhaps my ego, can't stand the spiders: I am soooo ANGRY.
I just realized this about myself over the past few days. I hold onto bullshit that has happened to me feeling justified in my anger. So how does this help? Well dear reader of my blog, it doesn't help at all. Not at ALL, and maybe all of this justified, well maintained anger just might be the emotional reason behind being so sick with rheumatoid arthritis?
MAYYYY BE!?!?!?!? Please don't get the wrong idea. I am not really the type of person who you would categorize as a rage-a-holic or someone who needs anger management classes. Nope, I actually appear pretty chill. Patient, casual, kind ..... My anger is very subtle on the outside but rather entrenched on the inside. These thoughts I am figuring out and trying to write about are expanding my self-awareness. Dude this is intense to think about and try to articulate! :) So, how about an example? I need examples for myself too --a simile or two, how about an allegory, analogy? Metaphor anyone? Where is the part of my brain that remembers all of the English classes I passed?
Let's start with my cobwebs, My soul is rockin ... so wise, knows what's up (so is yours) and I've got these cobwebs, life lessons, past hurts and heartache; clutter, and spiders intertwined in my soul, my life, my consciousness. My soul aims for purity and calm while just taking out a broom to address the problems.
Clean up and move on from the mess. But my ego says, "wait just one minute, how dare these cobwebs be here, Fuck this mess and dirt and Fuck these spiders!!!!" And the anger comes rolling in fast like a treacherous storm (that was definitely a simile right?) and boom my whole being feels the anger and relishes in it so thinks my ego. This is no bueno people!!!! To be justified in putting your body through this much emotional rage --it's all very internal too. A fiery rage on the reg. My rage is like those underground volcanoes that spew lava into the ocean creating underwater mountains that you can't see unless you dive deep. Inside me, these mountains have turned into illness. NO NO NO NO!!! I gotta stop this.
Smoldering Underwater Lava
And I have to give myself a break too. Give everyone around me a break. OK, easy as I give an example of what I am trying to explain. My mother in law is a talented artist and has given me a lot of beautiful artwork over the years. I love everything she has given me and I am thankful for all of it. The thing is my sister is an artist too who has given me a lot of artwork as well. Then I just have some prints, photos, and other home decor hanging up on the walls. Bottom line, My MIL's stuff isn't all in the main rooms because we have so many lovely wall hangings. I have her work hanging here and there throughout the house along with all of the other beautiful artwork. (I know this is a first world problem, but I want to give a rather frivolous example that evokes rage to show you how easily my anger justifies itself.) Anyway, when the MIL visits she often makes sideways comments about how she doesn't paint portraits to be hung up in spare bedrooms and criticizes my sister's work. I want to punch her in the face. I feel the anger as I am typing.
My rationalized anger comes from: your behavior is wrong and I am right but I am not confident enough to simply move on. . Fear ultimately
Alright, enough, let go, I don't need you anymore anger. I am confident enough now to not have to use you to feel justified and correct.
Breathing and letting go .... ;) My anger is such a crutch. I defended my sister's artwork and said, "well you two definitely have different styles." (MIL traditional, sister modern.) "We have a lot of wall hangings." And the subject is dropped. But it doesn't get dropped inside of me. I will look at my walls and the conversations will replay in my head and up comes the anger, my justified anger crutch. Sigh .... The past maybe 4 or 5 days when the anger comes up over whatever spider is crawling around bothering my ego. I recognize it right away and no longer revel in it. Also, I literally think calmly, " I don't need you anymore, please move on." And I thank the divine for the ability to recognize the bad pattern and ask for help to forge healthier ones.
I have like a million examples -- both tragic refer to past angry blog posts and inconsequential like the example I just gave. I have wayyyy too much anger bouncing around inside of me. People will always say and do stupid shit and I am not going to hold onto to the crap anymore and revel in my anger towards their imperfections. We ALL have imperfections, we ALL say and do stupid shit. I've been a quiet grudgemonger since puberty perhaps? I am so excited that I have realized this and I am working on changing!!!! Yay!
This Killer's song randomly came on my playlist during my epiphany. I had never even heard it before, but it's spot on , and the qi sensations, the chills the happy tears were all there. My spiritual dream team giving me a shout and agreeing with my realizations.
A little birdie whispered in my ear you've been cooking up a world of fear.
Please rescue me from fear, anger, pain, and worry.
Dreamscapes with the Divine. A different sort of post today.
I am in a dark place. I'm a little unsure, but I feel the comforting feeling of animal fur on my skin and there is a flight of stairs ahead of me that leads up into the clouds. My legs start climbing the stairs and I realize that they are not in pain riddled with 10 years of RA disease. I am strong, very strong, actually athletic even as I climb the stairs. At the top of the stairs is a robust and rather impatient male bald eagle.
Unsure again, I don't know what to do as I gaze at this magnificent creature. I try to grab onto the upper wings of the eagle to ride it, but the eagle won't let me and appears even more impatient. Then I remember my new found strength just then the eagle takes off flying into a forest and I am able to follow him running through the forest keeping an eye on my guide. As I run, I am turning into a woman of the forest like a young, robust Native American woman. I am very muscular and tan exactly how I was before getting sick. Running and following the eagle feels exhilarating and empowering.
Then, the eagles leads me to a cave at the top of a ridge. There is a stone at the entrance and I have to push it out of the way to get inside. Once inside, I realize I am not alone there is a mother wolf with her pups and they looked very inviting and happy to see me so I walk over, lie down and cuddle with them. The feeling of animal fur on my skin once again, warm and comforting. A nice campfire appears in front of us and the Divine appears on the other side of the flames proudly smiling at me. He starts to laugh in a playful sort of way and a big beaver with buck teeth stands next to him smiling at me and the wolves then join in on the smiles. My eyes turn upward and bats are hanging from the ceiling cave and there are some mourning doves perched here and there. The winged ones feel happy to me as well. We are a happy cozy bunch enjoying the fire.
We all walk out of the cave as the sun rises reaching the ridge enveloping the whole sky. Beautiful! And I feel love wonderful breathtaking all consuming love. Tears stream down my face and my heart bursts open communing with this universal love. And here I go with the music again. A Bob Marley song drifts into the love fest sunrise. To the rescue here I am, I'm a rainbow too .... Over and over with the lyrics as my heart expands more and more .....
Florida 2010
Then the Divine's words, "The Sun is Always Shining Behind the Clouds."
Symbolism
The strong athletic confident woman of the forest is my soul.
Eagle my healing journey. I am confused and don't know how to heal this way. I try to control the eagle by grabbing it. Then I realize I have to trust and follow the eagle
The cave is my death, my old life, the old me, old ways, old fears.
But the wolves and the other animals comfort and accept me during my rebirth.
The divine is comforting and proud, extremely happy which is infectious.
The beaver represents all of the hard work sickness, healing, tempering, death, rebirth.
The bats another representation of death and rebirth.
The doves, my goal of peace.
I rescue myself with all of their help!
Leaving the cave with confidence, reborn, healed, calm, fearless and happy of course!
The sunrise is the prize, peace and happiness ...
The Sun is always shining behind the clouds.
No matter how dreary your day is the sun is just right on the other side shining brightly for you.
