Always Look Up

Dolly in the Sky with Diamonds

     When you literally look up you may notice butterflies, dragonflies, crows, hawks, vultures, a heron.  Or perhaps a beautiful cloud that looks like an elephant or maybe something that might resemble your Grandma's face.  Huh?  Yep, I just typed your Grandma's face.  What?  One evening as the sun was setting and storm clouds were rolling in I looked up after getting out of my car at a grocery store parking lot and I saw a delightful scene of oranges, pinks, yellows, and blues.  I snapped a photo and a few other people who were hustling towards the doors stopped to see what I was taking a picture of;  I hope that they noticed the beauty too.  Then I proceeded to go in and shop.
     After I got home, I checked out my photo and fiddled with it on Instagram and uploaded it.  Such a beautiful shot I thought.  My cousin noticed it online and responded, "doesn't that look like a woman's face in the clouds?"  I took a look closer and my hair stood up on my arms.  Not only did it look like a woman's face, but it looked like our Grandma Dolly's face who has been dead since 1997.  Huge waves of her loving and protective energy swirled around enveloping me.  I know this sounds bizarre, but the feelings, the chills, the hair standing up, my Grandma's energy was everywhere.  She is often very near protecting me.  Watching over me learning, healing, and helping me heal.  As I studied the photo, her palpable presence lifted me up into her loving energy.
     I know deep in my heart she is just right over on the other side watching out for me.  I wish that everyone realized this about their deceased loved ones.  Just yesterday I was watching and old Sopranos episode while cooking dinner and the game Canasta was brought up which made me immediately think about her.  We loved to play Canasta together.  She always beat me; she beat me in every game we played.  I finally clued in that she was a bit of a cheater.  Well, actually a big cheater a card shark really and she thoroughly enjoyed beating her grand-kids --everyone was fair game.  Ha!  You may be reading this and thinking, "wow what a crappy thing to do."  But she was funny about it, a little stinker with a twinkle in her eye playing and cheating, laughing.  If only we played together when I was older, then maybe I could have learned some of her tricks.  So, the mention of this card game on TV made me think of her and giggle at her shenanigans and then there she was again sending me waves of love.  I got teary eyed and said in my mind, "grandma I miss you so much and I love you."  

Grandma and I 1995

     The tears were the good kind --the wistful loving bittersweet tears full of memories and warm emotions. Grandma love and protection, I just rolled around in that for a little while.  :)  Afterwards, I decided that Grandma Dolly would have to be in my next post.  However, I was unsure what direction to take my conviction.  She was a complicated lady who I could probably write a book about how her complications affected different family members, but that just doesn't feel right for now.  I am going to keep the message simple, but it may be hard to believe.  I believe it 100% though.
     My  message inspired by my Grandma: You are never alone.  You always have a dream team of spirit MVP's who are helping you along, guiding you and loving you.  I feel this every day.  Sometimes the messages are clear.  Sometimes they take a little mediation to decipher and realize.  If you slow down and meditate, (whatever form of mediation that works for you) signs of your spiritual dream team will surface ... you just have to be looking out for them.  Perhaps a message will be in the clouds or in a song; a coincidence of some kind that is actually not a coincidence at all.  I may not have started my energetic meditation practice (Pangu Qi Gong) if I hadn't gotten so sick from rheumatoid arthritis.  So again gratitude for exactly where I am right now in my life.  Taking my time and looking up and noticing the beauty and messages that wait to be noticed everyday.  Messages that I was too harried and busy before to see.

10 Years of Chronic Disease --Reflections

Gratitude in the Midst of Rheumatoid Arthritis

     When life gives you a big fat painful lemon the size of what seems like the entire universe all you have really when you are navigating life with this lemon on your back, in your face, and up your BLEEP is your attitude. Attitude, noun a settled way of thinking or feeling about someone or something, typically one that is reflected in a person's behavior.

     And I don't mean a bad attitude that seems to be glorified in this country --I mean I try to be positive hoping for remission, and look for the beauty in all things --gratitude always.  An attitude full of gratitude!

     As I sit here and reflect, It doesn't feel right to write about all of the medications I've been on in detail and how they punked out on me or the bad experiences I've had with doctors, insurance companies, deductibles, expensive drugs, debt, liver enzyme scares, osteoporosis fears, inconsiderate strangers, friends, and family, my anxiety and depression bouts, losing a promising business, having to go on disability, feeling like I've let the whole world down, weight gain, the list goes on.  My Big Fat Painful Lemon.  WAH!!!!!!!

     I could go over all that in detail, but what a downer!!!!  Lemme shift the focus. I will instead write to you about how I have refrained from becoming a totally depressed recluse (I've come close) or another sad sad statistic of someone with chronic pain who ended up taking her life (And yep, sadly, suicidal thoughts have crossed my mind over the years).  

 Beautiful Betty & I Cape Cod '13

     Every morning the first thing I say is, "good morning girls" in a sing-songy voice smiling down at my German shepherd, Betty, relaxing on her dog bed while petting my cat, Billie, who is usually right next to my head.  Yep, I'm in pain, and I will grimace when I slowly descend from the bed and place each foot on the ground, the first of many grimaces of the day.  Instead of focusing on the pain,  I shift my attention to my fur friends, and it helps tremendously.  Today, I woke up and Billie was pretty demanding for cuddle time. So, I gave her some love and chin scratches all the while admiring her soft fur and her youthful appearance even though she's about 13-years old.  Gratitude for this loving cat.  My little beauty queen.  It's the little things and she is literally very little about 8 pounds and always ready for a love fest.   This all happens in 30 seconds, yet it's crucial to start the day focusing on their loveliness and not my pain.  I make a point to start the day with a good attitude and it has become a habit, a damn good habit. I know in my heart that Betty and Billie really enjoy starting the day this way too.  

Cuddly Billie

     Speaking of gratitude, have I mentioned I am lucky enough to have a husband that fixes me coffee or tea every morning?  Um, thank you God for him!  He's not always in the best mood when he does it, but he always brings me a mug and we kiss.  I am eternally grateful for that simple daily act.  Our ten year anniversary is tomorrow, and yep, we got married the same year I got sick.  What would I have done without him?  Thank you William.  I feel like he is my rock of love and support in every way.  And I am our rock of positvity.  Is that a word?   I don't think it much matters in the blog world.  

Visiting NYC, Central Park Concert

     

     Let's leave my bedroom and look out the window as I sip coffee.  I look out onto trees and watch the breeze move through them.  Often I see a butterfly or a dragonfly wandering among the leaves. On three different occasions I've spotted a bald eagle!  A perk of living near a lake.  Gratitude for the dancing leaves, the winged ones large and small.  I watch the seasons change, I watch storms come and go, full moons and sunrises always beautiful always there always something to admire.  Notice and appreciate beauty instead of dwelling on pain.  

     Of course I am no Glenda the Good Witch.  I have meltdowns when fear and anxiety take over.  My sunshiny attitude is stomped out by sadness, frustration and anger. click here for a blog entry that delves into the anger, or not ...  I am human and I am in pain; it happens.  But, if I start the day recognizing the beauty that surrounds me I can usually carry  on with a positive attitude throughout the day.  In my meditation and qi gong practice, in my interactions with loved ones and strangers, while cooking, while taking my meds, while gimping around with my mobility limitations. 

Gratitude Always 

Van Morrison These Are the Days

These are the days of the endless summer
These are the days, the time is now
There is no past, there's only future
There's only here, there's only now

Oh your smiling face, your gracious presence
The fires of spring are kindling bright
Oh the radiant heart and the song of glory
Crying freedom in the night

These are the days by the sparkling river
His timely grace and our treasured find
This is the love of the one magician
Turned the water into wine

These are the days of the endless dancing and the
Long walks on the summer night
These are the days of the true romancing
When I'm holding you oh, so tight

These are the days by the sparkling river
His timely grace and our treasured find
This is the love of the one great magician
Turned the water into wine

These are the days now that we must savor
And we must enjoy as we can
These are the days that will last forever
You've got to hold them in your heart.

Artichokes on the Brain Again & in My Belly

Reassurance

     We're safe and sound. My Grandma and Pappy Pagano and I are sitting around their kitchen table on a quiet summer evening and I am eating my Grandma's stuffed artichokes for the first time. I am in my early twenties visiting them in Pennsylvania. We are catching up on lost time. I should have had these long ago with them, but an irresponsible Dad and a bitter Mother got in the way. So here I am as a young adult finally learning about my culture, my family, and these two very loving adults Jennie and Joe Pagano. A whole artichoke is pretty exotic looking and I am not quite sure where to begin having only eaten marinated ones from a jar. "How do I eat this?" My Grandma patiently gives me the run down, "you tear off each leaf and you can eat the stuffing and bite off the tender tip. But throw the rest of the leaf in this bowl. Then once you get to the choke, cut it away and enjoy the heart." So, we dig in, very very unique, earthy flavored with Italian bread crumbs. Delicious! I am hooked and tell them so. They both quietly smile. My Pap looks me in the eyes and looks sort of melancholy but very loving. Finally learning about each other bonding over a home cooked meal. Family doing the hard work to have a relationship and I realize that with these two it has been worth the heartache and the redoubled effort to connect to learn and to love. Oh my they are so easy to love!!! They are so reassuring and loving and open-hearted towards me.  They make me feel safe and loved.
     Safe and Sound. While shopping at Whole foods last week I catch a glimpse of the fresh artichokes and this lovely scene from over ten years ago plays out in my head. Our quiet and natural bonding over a meal. I feel very warm and fuzzy, so I buy two. When I get home, my husband finally tells me after eating them with me and my family several times that he actually doesn't like them. "More for me," I tell him. And I do get it, they are an acquired taste pretty ethnic. So, I make my stuffed artichokes and I am eating one for lunch the next day. My Grandfather's been dead for a few years now, but here he is; his energy springing up as I eat the artichoke by myself. He's here to join me with his big brown Pagano eyes looking at me proudly and I am engulfed with his love as I cry tears of joy all the while eating a perfectly stuffed artichoke. Crying and channeling and eating. Ha! Joe's reassuring me, loving me. Not letting me eat such a Pagano family favorite by myself. A few days later he pops up again. More strong waves of love wash over me as Safe and Sound by Capital Cities plays in my head.  His message to me:            

                                                                                                              

 

     The phrase safe and sound is in the song over 25 times.  Ok, ok I get Pap.  I am safe and sound .... everything's gonna be alright.  Is that not the most encouraging, Grandfatherly message ever? These silly pop songs can really pack a punch when used by the divine. I am always supported and enveloped by his love and others.  Love really is everywhere.  Facing fears and keeping my chin up with his support always.   Sometimes I get so frustrated and sad about the state of my physical health.  I am going to call you in during those times ok? Thanks Joe, I love you so much. Thanks for always being proud, always loving, and always having my back, come and hang out with me anytime. Mangia!  And of course I have to share the artichoke recipe! 

Stuffed Artichokes

1. Fresh Whole Artichokes
   
2. Italian Bread Crumbs
3. Romano Cheese
4. Salt and Pepper
5. Fresh Italian Parsley Finely Chopped
6. Water
7. EVOO

Wash artichokes well under cold running water as you open up leaves with your fingers, trim off lower leaves around stem, cut off stem, cut of top and make flat topped, snip each outer leaf with kitchen scissors flat. Let drain upside down.

Mix bread crumbs, salt and pepper, cheese, and parsley, fill each leaf and the center with the mixture.  Add about one cup of water to a dutch oven. Arrange chokes upright in pan. (“Jennie Trick”, if only doing 2, put a coffee mug in with the chokes upside down so they stay upright.) Drizzle generously with EVOO. Cover and bring to a boil, reduce and steam for about 45 minutes until leaves come off easily. Add water when needed.