My Life Feels Frozen as Debilitating Pain Controls Everything.
Well, my happy camper attitude, my brushes with the divine sometimes gets flushed down the toilet. I get angry, pissed, frustrated, and sad. Today I am angry, pissed, frustrated, and sad. So, I guess I am some sort of poster-child for a "fall from health and happiness". I am so fucking tired of waking up and dealing with breathtaking pain while just trying to walk from my bed to the toilet for my morning pee. What's a girl gotta do to get off this crazy train of pain? What did I do to deserve this --was I a mass murderer in a previous life? WHY am I just wallowing away? Why can't I walk my fucking dog for one block? Why can't I just go check the fucking mail? Why can't I just be me without pain???????? Where is this onslaught coming from? Why MEEEEEEE???? As I type I cry. I am so fucking over all of this. What kind of life is this?
Boo hoo, pity party-o-rama. Wanna join? On days when I am not so pissy, I am comforted by the fact that I feel that I am going through a big change a metamorphosis of sorts. I am supported by the divine and I will be fine. Well, ok, can I be DONE NOW?????????????????????????????????? Metamorphosis complete death and rebirth.
So, where the hell is the rebirth part? HELLLOOOOOOOOO? I am ready for the next chapter. Can a sister walk her dog? Can I please walk comfortably to relieve myself? What is the point of all of this? I am an unwilling skipping record. Painful day, repeat, painful day repeat ..... Hello????? I am all ears??????? And third eyes?????????? I didn't ask for a metamorphosis. I just want peace ok? I want to be relevant. I want to contribute. So many things have been ripped from me and all I have now is my recliner and a cane. Fantastic!!!!!!! Thanks universe.
The Universe Says:
"What the caterpillar calls a tragedy, the Master calls a butterfly."
I am stuck in caterpillar status. Stuck and stuck and angry and over it. I am a burden to my husband. My frustration is complex --many contributing factors. Today I was pushed over the edge though, I know where this explosion is coming from. I am late by seven days. Yes, lady late as in my period is MIA. So I took a pregnancy test last night and this morning --both negative, so I guess I am just off balance with my cycle which is normally super regular. The events described open a tender wound a biggun. Something I thought I had come to terms with. Ya ..... no.
A part of me was thrilled. Pregnancy finally! I will be a mommy. And then my imagination ran wild. While at Target last night, my eyes wondered over to the little girls section and a quiet smile enveloped my face ... my spirit. Oh to be a mom to a sassy little girl. I could braid her hair and buy her a fierce hot pink jean jacket. She would wear this jacket with her french braided pig tails and rule recess, I would give her a good life. No one would hurt her or call her names. She would have the childhood that I didn't and I would surround her with peace and security. She would take modern dance and hip hop and have a dancer booty. And just be in every possible way ... FABULOUS and safe. I would make up for all that happened to me by providing my little nugget with a blessed life. I guess this is a major reason why I want to be a mom that I was not quite conscious of. I would bring into the world a baby and give it a blessed childhood unlike mine. Not sure if that's healthy. Like I said I just realized this. So, I gotta chew on it for awhile.
But, In reality, right now me being pregnant would be a nightmare. I look down at my knees and imagine them just breaking from the strain. William would probably have a breakdown from the worry of my helplessness coupled with bringing a life into the world. So here I am universe owning up to my feelings. I am not pushing them down and avoiding them?
But, In reality, right now me being pregnant would be a nightmare. I look down at my knees and imagine them just breaking from the strain. William would probably have a breakdown from the worry of my helplessness coupled with bringing a life into the world. So here I am universe owning up to my feelings. I am not pushing them down and avoiding them?
CAN I GET BETTER NOW? Where are the GD BUTTERFLIES?
In conclusion, here's some Jackson 5 because this entry is brutal and listening to them always makes me smile.
:)
