I'll Be the Rainbow after the Tears Are Gone.

Wrap you in my colors and keep you warm

     Let me start out this post by saying, Dammmmmnnnn, I wish dear Otis was alive and we could go to his concert.  Dammnnnn he knew the soul.  When I started this blog, I was unaware of the musical direction it would take.  But that's what's been happening and so I'm just rolling with it.

     Now roll around in these lyrics.

If I was the Sun way up there

I'd go with love most everywhere

I'll be the moon when the sun goes down

Just to let you know that I'm still around ...

I'll be the weeping willow drowning in my tears

And you can go swimming when you are here

I'll be the rainbow after the tears are gone

Wrap you in my colors and keep you warm ...

Anything the sun can do I will do it for you

Any kind of love you want, I'll be with you.

     This sappy sugary sweet song full of love and natural imagery popped into my head when I was doing Qi Gong for my relationship with my Stepfather.  One of my spiritual teachers told me that doing rounds in honor of people helps smooth out the energy between you --very healing.  However, in my experience, the process is extremely difficult making me face, process, and let go of old hurts.  For years, I would get an uneasy feeling at pit of my stomach when I was around my Stepdad.  And when I do Qi Gong for him, especially when I initially started, I would get the same feeling.  Our history is a rough one.  And it doesn't help that presently, there are elephants holding onto that history in the room that my Mom has a hold of by thick chains.  They have a tendency to stampede me if I'm not careful.
     As far as my five-year -old self was concerned when I met him, my life was fantastic.  Then Ken came along and the shitting upon began.  To  him, I was spoiled, and he told me so.  Everything I did was wrong.  he berated me constantly.  Bent down and screamed in my face occasionally spitting his hate specks of saliva.  The hate boils up as I type.  He was such an ass --a bully to a child.  I think that he was jealous of me.  Over the years the abuse, "most horrible person he knows, bitch, fat, stupid ....."  Berate, Berate, Berate.  I wanted to break his nose, stab him in the neck.  I hoped that he would get in a car accident.  I hated him.  There were moments of physical abuse too, but the verbal was so much more degrading and hurtful for me.

     For balance and a reality check, he had his moments of kindness.  I was an avid tree climber and he would help me suggesting which limbs to grab next whereas my Mom wanted me to get down for fear of me falling.  Once, he took me to Steeler training camp where I met Rod Woodson.  It was a good day.  His parents were wonderful and I loved them and visiting their country home often and learned about pirate baseball from my Pappy, canning, deer jerkey, and when I was older homemade wine.  Yum!!!

     So, I do rounds for him and all these memories come back the good and the bad, gotta get rid of the pain in my heart, the underlying hate, the feeling of injustice of the way he treated me.  You can't bully me anymore.  And for him ... I hope he lets go of his "stuff".  His childhood was pretty rough too living in poverty --his parents didn't have indoor plumbing until he went off to college.  Gotta let go of the generational rage and dysfunction.  I refuse to walk around the elephants as my Mom acts like everything's peachy and nothing ever happened --My poor Mom, the elephants suffocate her. I kindly try to stick to the real world.  Because, "no problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it." Albert Einstein.  Gotta change up the energy dynamics, unhelpful patterns.

     More hard work though, but the divine is here, helping and supporting:  Anything the sun can do I will do it for you ... Any kind of love you want, I'll be with you.  I need full sapptacular lovey dovey sugary sweet support when healing these wounds.  Thank You spiritual peeps for conveying that love through Otis.  I've really been feeling huge waves of love ever since this occurrence.  The universe is woven with love.  Embrace it and let it carry you!  Forgive and Love.

While visiting Vancouver, Canada in 2010, "I love You" graffiti was everywhere. 

I work at opening my heart and forgiving, letting go and loving just love ...  In the words of Master Ou:  "I treat you as my brothers and sisters and I can also say it this way:  I treat you as my sons and daughters.  My heart is filled with kind and benevolent love for you.  And certainly I am full of kind and benevolent love for human beings."  Or in the words of that stand up guy Jesus, "but I say to you love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be children of your Father in heaven; for he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the righteous and on the unrighteous."  Or the Beatles, All you need is LOVE!"  

The Loooooove entry is complete, go hug it out with someone.   Happy Friday!

You Were Right Here All Along

With your in my hand and a pocket full of soul.  

   After my angry at the universe post.  I figured it was time to call in the heavy because I was sorta losin it.  So discouraged, in pain and alone --alone in my pain while life passes me by.  Angry and sad.  Alone on a very comfortable recliner that's not comfortable anymore because I've been sitting in the damn thing since December.  Crawling out of my skin pushing for a miracle. Jealous of the world, the world that walks without pain who unlike me can take a piss without grimacing in pain during the descent to the seat --knees, shoulders, wrists screaming.   Push push pushing for a miracle and angry at everything.  And I had my period.  Great week!!!!!

   My "heavy" that I was referring to is Master Ou.  I needed his guidance which he doles out carefully preferring to remind his students of the importance of our continued daily PGSG practice.  He felt my pain and responded  reassuring me that I am not alone.  

Email exchange:

   Me:  "I have been really discouraged and frustrated.  I have been waking up in horrible pain usually in both of my arms from my fingertips to my shoulders late night and early morning.  Then when I wake up for the day, I am depressed and feel like someone beat me up while I was sleeping.  

    My family is frustrated and worried about me and are very alarmed that I am refusing to take medication.  It puts pressure on everyone because I am so helpless because of pain and lack of mobility.

   Does Master Ou have any idea how much longer my pain is going to be intense?  I feel like I have no purpose, I can't do anything, and I have nothing to contribute to the world.   My life feels frozen and debilitating pain controls everything."

   His response translated by his daughter:  "We are very sorry to know that you have been under such pain and stress. My father said, there are two very important factors playing a key role under such situation in order to break through. Number one, to have a very strong will. From many patients’ experiences, we all know that medication do not help improving RA, but there are some people recovered from RA by doing pgsg practice. But of course, it’s not an easy journey. Mrs. Yang is a good example. I’m sure you understand all these, however, it would be very helpful if you repeat these reasoning to yourself and re-read Mrs. Yang’s testimonial again and again. This will help you to keep a strong will. And then, number two, to encourage yourself to do as much as pgsg practice as you can, just see it as your only job. In addition, you may often recall how did you make yourself totally independent a couple years ago, learn from the self at that time.

   My father also suggested you to do a couple more things. In the morning, as soon as you wake up, relax yourself and keep on saying password in your mind for 15 to 20 minutes. At night, plan his healing songs/chants all night to adjust the nerve and mind.

   My father said, he will always keep you in mind supporting you."

   I cried while reading the email.  We are never alone are we?  During the healing that we set up the following week, I felt like Master Ou and the whole entire universe everything divine, lovely, and light were giving me a great big hug. Tears of release poured down my cheeks and for at least an hour afterward.

   During this spiritual bear hug, I truly embraced the realization that we have a team of guides with the divine in the forefront helping and encouraging us always.  Oftentimes for me, signs and communications come in unexpected packages.   During the healing, Justin Timberlake's hit song Mirrors kept popping up in my head.  I respect Timberlake, but I don't like his music --well I didn't like him musically until that day.  After the healing was through, I cried and cried some more the back of my throat ached and that darn pop song was still in my head.  Alright alright, I can take a hint it must be one of my songs, but I never really understood what he was singing in the high key, so the song was blurry in my head.  It was like listening to a channel not quite tuned properly. I checked it out on Youtube with a version that had the lyrics.  So I thought I was crying pretty hard up to this point?  It was all over once I started reading the lyrics,  HOT MESS of tears, tears of gratitude and understanding as I kept on feeling the warm squeeze of support from my spiritual peeps.                                                  

BTW It's pocket full of soul ... not soap.  ;)

Aren't you somethin' to admire?

Cause your shine is somethin like a mirror

And I can't help but notice

You reflect in this heart of mine

If you ever feel alone and

The glare makes me hard to find

Just know that I'm always

Parallel on the other side

... You just gotta be strong

   By now, you know I know .... I know it's hard to stay strong in the face of so much pain.  But you gotta, ya' gotta be a fighter, rely on your will, see it through with patience and grace; you have the support.  Ask for your spiritual peeps --rest your weary head on their shoulders.  You are Never alone and Never give up to the pain.  Even if you feel alone in this world, the world where everyone's busy but you cause you can't get off the fricken recliner.  You are never alone.  And you are actually pretty fabulous and have the moxy to support yo'self as well.

So spiritual peeps what else would you like for me to communicate? Show me how to bring Light in. I accept